The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Ajinimoto
Summary: WARNING! CRACK GALORE! Slight AU. Abnormalities of the brigade set aside, even in normal settings Haruhi's group never fails to amaze. Join the SOS Brigade in their unseen misadventures and outtakes off set of the anime/novel-verse!
1. The Randomness of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Summary:

Haruhi from the surface world commands you to read this fic! Included: Major Parodoxes, NYC, bagpipes, poison, and chicken. see full summary inside R&R, no flames accepted!

Set situation: What if the SOS Brigade continued on the way they were, but with a twist to the time frame: Everyone was normal, and those supernatural involving aliens, timetravelers and espers were just bizzarre dreams of wishful thinking that Kyon and the Brigade had and shared coincidentially. Enjoy!

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Mikuru was preparing tea in the club room. Making sure no one was looking, she put a dead mushed up eel in Haruhi's cup and some tea. She giggled to herself.

Looking towards Yuki, Mikuru was wondering what random thing out of the bag of doom to put into her drink. _Mwahahaha... I mean... Tee hee! A pinch, no. An __OVERDOSE of Iron that tastes like candied liver! _She was humming to herself while she put the disgusting liquid into Yuki's cup when she heard Kyon open the door.

"Ah!" She threw the bag of doom that contained the disturbingly random ingredients out the window, ignoring Taniguchi's girlish scream of horror. "You're here!" She smiled.

Kyon waved to his moe maid, and looked towards Yuki who was reading yet another book. "How's the book?"  
"Disturbing," she muttered in a monotone as if forced to say so against her will.

"Huh?"

"This book has a broad focus on such a trifling thing that this world seems to be intrigued in; me included as well." Yuki held the book up to her face revealing the title to Kyon. _The Infinite Number of Ways to Tip a Cow._

Kyon heard some random footsteps from the hallway, and backed towards a corner, bracing himself for Haruhi's loud entrance into the club room. Sadly, he wasnever fully mentally prepared. The ceiling started to crack, and all of a sudden...

KA BOOM!

"GWAhck!"

Haruhi fell out of the ceiling, and her shoe hit Kyon in the face. "I have returned to the surface world!"

Silence.

"THIS IS THE PART WHERE ALL OF YOU GO 'AY YAY YAY!' " She looked at her minions in dismay. "And the one with the shoe in his face goes AY YAY YAY the loudest ...cuz you have the shoe in your face! C'mon! Doesn't that make your voice echo? Doesn't the stench want you to cry in pain?"

Kyon randomly started to cry, Mikuru went Ay Yay Yay...

"... and in order to formally tip a cow, first, you and the cow must be in a tuxedo and..." Haruhi tapped her foot lookingat Yuki who found Cowtipping Method number 287 interesting and started to randomly read out loud. Just then, Itsuki walked in.

"Did I miss something?" Itsuki walked in. Yuki nodded, and Kyon nodded, pointing at Itsuki's outfit with horror.

"KOIZUMI WHY ARE YOU IN A SCOTTMAN KILT?" Itsuki ignored Kyon and spun around, did a bunny jump, and landed in a pose in which he knelt on one knee with his hands spread out as if he wanted to hug the sky. " I found it fitting to join Mikuru as a mascot for one day." Mikuru blushed away in horror and went "BOO HOO HOO!" pointing at the horror known as Koizumi Itsuki when Haruhi bit Mikuru's ear. "How dare you insult the Vice President of this Brigade, especially when he's in a kilt?" She walked up to Itsuki and nodded. "It looks manly on you."

"Ehehe..." Itsuki rubbed the slope of his nose with his index finger. "You see, I--"

"...made sure the cow falls onto the provided blanket..." Everyone turned towards the bookworm as she continued, aware of everyone's stares. "... and then gaze...into...the... stars..." Yuki looked up, slightly glaring. "What?"

"That's it. We're falling off the Alps. Backwards. WITH NO EQUIPMENT! BE THERE!" Haruhi winked at Yuki, pointing at her cow-tipping book that gave her the idea. She then took out a pogo stick and bounced up into the hole from where she came from. "Leaving the surface world! Weee!"

"I didn't get a chance to see Haruhi choke and do the Chacarron Macarron," Mikuru said, sighing. She threw Haruhi's cup of prepared tea that was left untouched out the window, ignoring Taniguchi's old woman scream.

"Haruhi's reasoning is flawed. There are no cows on the Alps, however..." Yuki left without saying anything. _Freefalling off the Alps... Ay Yay...Yay..._

Kyon was the only one in the clubroom left, or so he thought, until Itsuki waved at him. After the kilt clad lad pulled out random bagpipes, Kyon tried to disarm Itsuki.

"NO! Don't play the--!" Just then, random bagpipe playing starts...

Kyon sat there in melancholy as his deranged friend continued to play the melody of the Titanic. Kyon's melancholy worsened as he heard Taniguchi's horrid loud singing from outside, in pain from the pinch of a random crab on his shoulder.

"Once... Mooooooore! You... Ooopen Da Door!..." Taniguchi sang with pride and pain as if there was no tommorrow.

Itsuki was savoring the moment as he continued to play the bagpipes. _Truth, is stranger... and stronger... than fiction. Teehee hee!... I mean... hehe.. hehe..._

_...I mean... nevermind._

--

End of Chapter 1.


	2. The Journey of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Recap: Haruhi and the gang decided on freefalling of the Alps, and its all because Yuki brought a book on cowtipping. What will be in store for them?

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Kyon woke up early, and did the Chacaron Macaron due to the impact of the startling alarm. He would never be used to waking up so early. He sighed, remembering Haruhi's words:

_"We're freefalling off the Alps. WITH NO EQUIPMENT!"_

Or... something like that. He slapped himself with his head. Kyon didn't care about Haruhi's exact wording, as long as the idea remained constant right...?

...Riiiight?

Kyon lifted his suitcase, taking care not to walk too fast or too slow, knowing that his sister who was still asleep might suspect him if he did. He put it down slowly, oh so painfully slowly, because... it was heavier than usual. He opened the bag and yelled,

"OH, SISTAA!!" But inside the bag wasn't his sister. It was a cat, Shamisen, who started to run around like a psychopath, acting as some sort of beacon. _Oh, shiit... _The young lass known as Kyon's sister would have heard that call. Kyon was done with.

"YAHO!" A face popped out of his closet. Kyon groaned. His sister managed to find out about his trip and decided to confirm it, obviously using Shamisen as her slave for the job. And once upon a time, my friends... Kyon. Went. Emo... or at least it appeared as so. He was just spazzing out.

"Why!? Why!? Why!? Why are you in my room!? Why did you turn my closet into a temporary cabin - slash - dorm thing to sleep in!? Why did you do that to poor Shamisen!? Further more..." He started to randomly hug a pole (Ooh... why the heck does he have one in his room... ? _wink_) and was on his knees hugging it like it was his mom. "Why... why must you stalk me so...?" Kyon's sis shrugged. "I dunno. It's my job. And I'm going with you!" She gave a smile to Kyon that reminded him of a woman from a dream who looked like Asahina's mom, who claimed to be her future self. The smile was way too similar, except for the sadistic Haruhi twist.

"Dude... you coming with me... is like suicide!"

The angry little thing started to whine. "So!? Hey... Boohoo! I'm no dude! Also, you going would be suicide too right!? Blood is closer, and thicker, than water. I'm going with you!"

"Oh, I don't think so--!" Just the, Kyon's sis randomly took her hand and brought her fingers together into some knife-like thing and used it to "stab" Kyon. The impact wasn't serious, but enough to make him stumble backwards and whine.

"OW!"

"Yea, I know." Kyon's sis winked. "Let's go then!" Kyon randomly threw her into the closet like throwing a fish back into the ocean.

"WEEEEE!!"

"Okay, that great," Kyon said in reply to that half whine. "Have fun camping out in my closet... and don't you dare do anything wierd to my underwear! Ugh... cicadas..." Kyon shuddered at the memory, and ran out as fast as he can.

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"PENALTY!" Haruhi yelled at Kyon, yanking at his scarf.

"Why, are you wearing a scarf when not necessary according today's temperature?" Yuki muttered under her breath. _ Dammit! And you're still lugging that cowtipping book around! What next!? Ultimate Shuffleboard at Vegas!?_ Kyon thought to himself.

"YAHO! Sooo sooo, megassa glad y'all are here nyoron!" Tsuruya greeted Haruhi's mafia, and it was obviously her who would pay for the SOS Brigade's flight to the Alps and back, booking them into a luxury hotel as well. As a reward, Haruhi let the green-haired fang girl come along.

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The plane ride was relaxing, and although Kyon regretted leaving his younger sister behind, he was happy that she wouldn't break her poor bones being dragged into a situation. Yuki pulled out a gazzillion random books from a small puny bag and started to read, and one of the flight assistants were quite intimidated.

"May I help you--"

"Not necessary," Yuki would say, butchering the poor man's words. Mikuru, who had no choice but to be seated next to her freaked out as well, and started to cry so much that she was close to laughing sadistically. _Why me!? Why why why why why why WHY ME!?_

Itsuki smiled, listening to one of the Three Light songs, a song Kyon couldn't stand. And as usual, his face was too close.

_Search! For your love! doodoodoodoo doo doo doo..._

Kyon was about to grab him... when...

"We will land in New York City soon. Please fasten your seat belts..."

Haruhi was humming to herself when she dropped her drink after hearing that.

"New... York...?" She said, her eyes widening and her face turing pale.

"...City..." Yuki finished after her.

Tsuruya shared the same reaction as Haruhi, and was grabbing her head with both hands as if she caused the end of the world. Kyon dreamt of such a situation. "Oh my..."

"I-I'm so sorry!" Tsuruya cried on Haruhi's shoulder. "I didn't mean to--!"

"CUT THAT OUT!" Haruhi screamed. Everyone turned to face her but she ignored them, but instead started to laugh. "This is awesome! Getting a plane to the wrong place happens only on sitcoms! Further more..." She smiled. "HOW CAN'T YOU FIND COOL THINGS IN AMERICA, PEOPLE! Especially New York City! We're goin' western, whee!!"

"America... nyoron." Tsuruya beamed.

"A-murikah..." Itsuki said, a weak attempt of an english accent.

"Amarika..." Kyon said in his honest japanese accent.

Even Yuki said it, rolling her r in an indifferent British accent. "Amerrrikah."

"IT'S AMERICA!" Mikuru yelled out half annoyed, half scared... no... make those thirds... and finally, one third excited.

"Yea, we know it's America," The rest of the Brigade said simultaneously.

"Let's go!!" Haruhi jumped out and an assistant had to restrain her.

"What are you planning to do? Skydive? To assure the safety and convenience to our--"

"Passengers, blah, blah, blah," Haruhi said, cutting off the poor woman. And yes, it wasn't a man after all.

Kyon smacked his forehead with his right hand. _So much for freefalling off the Alps... not that I wanted to._

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SECOND CHAPTER! WOOT!


	3. The Encounter of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Recap: Tsuruya-san ended up booking the Brigade on the wrong flight! Now, Haruhi has even more insane ideas now that they are in America.

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Kyon hummed to himself, knowing that he could be at ease. _After all, we managed to come to America by chance! I could write a novel on this someday!_

Itsuki saw two men who looked quite close. From what he heard back in Japan, he was pretty sure that the people in this place were almost as unique and whack as their brigade chief. Furthermore, he also heard that gays were better accepted... though he didn't feel the need to think of such a thing seriously. He was here with the brigade as Haruhi's "Yes-madam" man, and it wasn't like he was going to live here. Perhaps in the future but not now...

Haruhi grabbed Mikuru by the arm and pulled her towards an eye-catching Victoria's Secret shop somewhere within the urban area. "C'mon! More options here! Wait 'till we upload pics of you in smexy American wear! YAHOO!!" She dragged Mikuru as she whimpered from behind. _If you post all that on the internet, please allow me to kill you with the usual tea recipe afterward!_ _Ah, no! What am I thinking!? Idiot! Such an idiot!_

Haruhi looked at Yuki, beckoning her to follow.

"Not interested," she said while taking a look at a map of the place. Haruhi pouted saying, "Aw, c'mon! Koizumi had the nerve of wearing a scottish kilt thingy. Besides, your book giving me the idea of Alps Freefalling and then the accidental mix up brought us here! Yes! This all started because of you!"

_Because of you! Because of you! Because of you! _Yuki felt a sudden and quite random pang of guilt that lasted a fraction of a second. But she still wasn't convinced to go with Haruhi.

"There's no way I'm--" Yuki's eyes widened when she saw a familiar-looking girl. Long, blue, hair, an innocent complex that made those around her impatient, an innocent girl with hidden mischief and hints of resorting to being a sadist.

Asakura Ryoko.

Kyon had weird flashbacks of another dream as he saw Yuki staring at Ryoko, who in his dream was trying to kill him, and Yuki saved him. _It was scary, but that moment after the battle... _ He thought it was quite touching, but shook the thought out of his mind, especially after remembering Taniguchi's "WAWAWA" and that a dream was a dream. Back to reality...

Ryoko noticed the group of people. She went to talk to Kyon, who was slowly backing away. _No! She won't kill me! That was just a dream! Another one of my fantasi... never mind._

"So, Kyon. I see that you managed to change Haruhi."

"Well, you see... I, um, well, she was interested in why you moved here and--"

Yuki ran up to both of them, talking 80 miles per hour, something that she rarely ever did, if she ever did before. "Whoa, wait a second, aren't you supposed to be in Cana--"

"DAH!" Ryoko pushed her away, stepping closer to Kyon. "Why do you look like you're trying to kill me?"

Ryoko frowned. "I could if I wanted to, but I'm such a nice person!" She giggled much like Mikuru did every once in a while. "But I didn't. Remember how Nagato-san approached us when I looked like I was about to kill you? I was kinda freaked out by her weird thinking and antisocialness and--"

"You're talking about me!? You really like annoying me out of everyone else--!" Ryoko pushed Yuki away for the second time and Yuki stumbled back, hitting a random telephone pole.

"Why me..."

Kyon looked at Yuki with pity. "And Ryoko, why do I feel that you're trying to kill Nagato as well?"

"Oh, ah! Oh my gosh!" She ran up to Yuki asking her if she was alright. Yuki pushed her away, obviously for the sake of retaliation and got up, dusting herself off. "And you just noticed." She and Kyon walked to find Haruhi, leaving Ryoko there cursing. Kyon saw Itsuki freaking out a few men.

"Quit it you freakish Japanese man-kissing--"

"Cut it out and let's go before you get yourself killed," Kyon said flatly in plain english dragging Itsuki by the collar.

"Send me a postcard!" Itsuki cried out to the men.

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Haruhi and Mikuru just came back from unsuccessful shopping, as they forgot convert their money into dollars.

"Damn U.S. currency," Haruhi mumbled. Mikuru sighed, knowing that it'll take a while before Haruhi tries the next batch of killer tea. Quite literally, KILLER...TEA.

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	4. The great great

APRIL FOOLS DAY!!

I decided to write a little omake thing... enjoy!

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**Computers:**

Kyon was searching for the extraordinary as instructed by Haruhi who had no choice but to not be there for the brigade meeting since she had family affairs to attend to; something that she cursed at. "Aw, screw this!" Kyon said out loud, causing a wide-eyed Mikuru, who had to turn around to hide her sadistic side, and Yuki, who continued to flip pages, as if she went through this alot... which was true.

Itsuki came into the room, wearing an arm-band much like Haruhi's, saying Vice Chief. "As you all know, I am in charge for today." He kept on his plastic smile.

Kyon sighed. _Koizumi. Don't you DARE play your bag-pipes ever again._ Itsuki then leaned into Kyon's face. "Your face is too close!" Itsuki only leaned in closer. "Aw, you're blushing. But hey..." Itsuki toned his voice down to a whisper. "Are... are you looking up... po-"

"RRIDGE! I was looking up... po-rridge!" Kyon shoved the brunette boy aside, who sighed. "Suzumiya-san wouldn't want to hear about this--!"

"Don't tell!" Kyon got into a wrestling match with the other male in the SOS Brigade. Mikuru backed away, saying, "Violence is never the answer!" slightly stammering as well. After some pondering and thought, however, Mikuru let a _forbidden thought_ pass through her head. _It's not the answer... but it IS the question, right?_

Realizing that she was just standing there, Mikuru decided to make some tea. _That should put the boys in their place for now... should put them to sleep, but nar. _She ran towards the stand to start brewing some water.

Yuki had nothing to do with this mess, and continued to read, when she saw the light from the computer flicker. With interest and knowledge of the current situation, she set the book down and went to the computer, using the GarageBand program she found on it.

_Wait... GarageBand is only to apply to Apple Macs. Why is it on a windows computer?_

The two continued to fight, until they heard unfitting music playing.

"Is that Waka Laka?" Koizumi asked. Yuki shook her head, when Itsuki started to dance around the room. Regretting her actions, Yuki took a quick gulp at the tea that Mikuru prepared, and threw the cup out the window

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" No one paid attention to Taniguchi's screams. Everyone knew he had bad luck with walking in at the wrong time. Another thing he had bad luck with was that objects randomly thrown out of the clubroom have a tendency to hit him, or attach to him in some way.

Koizumi, mad, started to play the bagpipes in fury. Mikuru, screamed at Yuki for drinking the tea that she prepared for Kyon. Neverthless, despite all the comotion, the bookworm fell asleep, as Mikuru put special herbs intended for Kyon beforehand.

Kyon sighed. Again. _I need to stop sighing, 'cuz at least it's slightly in order with Haruhi around._

Meanwhile, Haruhi was in the car with her parents.

"So, we're going to visit a sick person in the hospital?"

Mr. Suzumiya looked at Mrs. Suzumiya, but the mother's glare concerned the father of Haruhi, and he decided to keep the therapy papers hidden from the Brigade Chief.

"Some things are better left unknown," Mrs. Suzumiya started to hum...

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I would really appreciate reviews from you all!

And the April Fools trick?

1) I tricked you into thinking that I would pull one off.

or...

2) Expectations of the chapter following Asakura Ryoko.

Life goes on.

R&R!

-The Great... great... great...


	5. The Plan of Haruhi Suzumiya

The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya

Recap: Haruhi and Mikuru took a look in Victoria's Secret, Yuki reencounters Ryoko, Kyon keeps Itsuki away from gayness. What next?

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The gang hung out at a big room in a Best Western nearby, where they would be staying for the time being. Haruhi complained about how this room just had to be the only room vacant at the time.

"Nothing perverted will happen to any of the members! If things go too far..." She glanced at Kyon.

_Why are you looking at me!? I have to deal with a gay guy here!_

"Well, I truly don't care about you and Itsuki," Haruhi said after an awkward pause, eyeing the light-brown-haired dude who fell asleep next to Kyon, and was waving his hands in the air, trying to grasp the dark-brown-haired dudette... I mean, dude. After all, dudes and dudettes can never sleep together with Haruhi around...

"Hmm..." Haruhi rubbed her head with her elbow at random. "It's a bit hot. Do you guys think so?"

"I'm not hot," Yuki muttered from behind a thick book on the _Titanic._

"True, but I am..." Itsuki said in his sleep. Kyon jumped. "DON'T POKE ME THERE! YOU'RE NOT AT ALL!!" _ Asahina-san on the other hand..._

Haruhi caught Kyon's glance, nodding her head. "Idiot. Look away from afar. But as of now, face away. For I bought Mikuru-chan a little present for herself and you. You're hot, are you, Mikuru-chan?" Mikuru backed away. "N-no! Not at all! I... I'm not hot!"

_Oh, hell yeah, you are!_ Kyon thought.

Just then, the group heard a crash. Haruhi stood up, saying, "Oh my! It's attack of the aliens!" before flying out the room. At the same time, Tsuruya walked into the room, confused. "Ara, was that Haru-nyan!?" She spun around. "Oooh, it is! C'mon!" As the fang-tan ran to catch the Brigade Chief, Kyon reluctantly followed, with Yuki and Mikuru trailing behind and not talking to each other.

_Mwaha, I mean... teehee!_ Mikuru thought as she looked at the shorter girl. _I won't lose!_

_I'm too smart to be a rotten egg,_ thought the shorter girl. _so I won't lose._

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"Hm..." Haruhi saw the ever so present woman-at-the-desk suspiciously eyeing every corner of the room. That sparked Haruhi's imagination for a very poor plan with little chance of a successful execution, but nevertheless useful and creative. "She knows our faces, since we're one of the hotel guests. We must disguise!"

Kyon sighed. "Wouldn't the need for disguising mean that we'll be involved with criminals?"

"Hm, that'll be nice," Haruhi mumbled as she walked out. "But I prefer hoboes."

Yuki nodded. "After all, it is a known fact that this group of beings drawn together by gravity and space."

Itsuki thought for a bit, putting on his teacher cap act again. "I beg to differ from that statement."

"Well then, I'll prove it." Yuki took a deep breath then continued to speak. "After all, my grandmom's second stepmother's friend's chicken's great great ancestor..."

"We get it," all the brigade members yelled.

"Well, I didn-"Tsuruya cupped her hand over Mikuru's mouth and one could hear cute little "Fuwah" sounds from the muffled voice when Haruhi spun around, causing Kyon to faint.

"Hahaha. Yuki, if you're not up for this plan along with Itsuki, too bad because I wouldn't have come up with this idea if it weren't for you!"

_weren't for you!_

_weren't for you!_

Once upon a time, Koizumi fainted, and Yuki mercilessly stepped away letting him fall to the ground like a twig.

Kyon and Koizumi both got up, realizing that they fell on each other... and Koizumi's senses urged him to attempt to do stuff. Haruhi passed out walkie-talkies that she found out of nowhere, and dragged Koizumi and Yuki to who knows where.

Tsuruya-san yawned. "We mustn't fall asleep, 'cuz Haruhi might be a comin' back, or calling us."

Kyon thought for a bit and decided, "I'm being a man! You two, go ahead and sleep."

Mikuru disagreed. "No, Kyon-kun, you just have it so harsh for you! I mean, Koizumi-san already does enough to you nowadays. Sleep," she said, happily. After agreeing on alternating with watching and sleeping, Kyon fell asleep with Tsuruya on the walkie-talkie...

...and Mikuru once again trying not to laugh like a maniac, stood by Tsuruya just in case Tsuruya fell asleep.

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Itsuki and Yuki sat back to back, chairs facing opposite directions, both with blank expressions, tied up with a cheap jump rope. Yuki was slightly frowning; it was her own fault for being forced to wear a suit from some random store. Itsuki was dressed in a frilly black dress, that was kind of revealing. One would say this situation came from a sitcom.

"You just HAD to say something that wasn't smart for a change..." Itsuki said, sleepily.

"You just HAVE to be gay," Yuki countered. Both looked at the window, then lifted the rope that kept them hostages. Standing up, both nodded and said simultaneously in a whisper,

"We just HAVE to get out of here!"

Both ran out the door when they couldn't get out.

"You know that anyone with common sense will know that two bodies that charge towards a thin door side by side can't get out," Yuki said in her bored tone.

Koizumi laughed a little. "Oh, right. Ladies first." He gestured towards the door when Yuki was pointing at Koizumi's outfit. "You're the one in a dress. And that puffy and useless thing is nauseating and an eyesore."

Koizumi was about to walk out the door when a security guard looked at them. The two cross-dressers took a step back, when Yuki, using a weak attempt to speak like a man said in a foreignese accent, "Oh my, the surface world was this way,"

"THIS WAY!" Koizumi said in a high-pitched European woman voice. "We must take our leave y'know, so we could--"

Koizumi has grabbed by the wig which came off. Both stared in horror and ran off.

"Pip-pip-da-doodly-doo," Koizumi called out to the security guard.

The security guard sighed in disappointment. "Those idiots should've took me with them!"

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Ryoko sighed, still trying to re-organize her boxes of random things; boxes that had EVERYTHING imaginable. Yes, even extinct beings. Frustrated, she kicked them, causing another sharp bang that echoed into the garbage dump from behind the hotel complex.

Meanwhile, Kyon, Mikuru, and Tsuruya-san all fell asleep, with Haruhi yelling into the walkie-talkie.

"Yuki and Itsuki escaped! Over! This isn't a date, and that applies to everyone! Over! Hey! Over! Pick up! Over!" she started to cry. "Why must you all abandon me!? Over!" She threw the walkie-talkie out the window and heard a scream of "WAWAWAAAAAHAAAA!!"

_Taniguchi!?_

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	6. The Chase of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Recap: Yuki and Itsuki managed to break free from Haruhi's decoy, and Tsuruya, Mikuru, and Kyon fell asleep. As Asakura Ryoko causes more trouble for everyone, what happens when Taniguchi happens to have followed her and the gang?

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"Taniguchi!?" Haruhi looked down to see her broken walkie-talkie along with a dude that looked similar to Taniguchi with a deep imprint of the walkie talkie left on his face. "No... nononono. I'm not the Taniguchi. I am..." He brushed back his already gelled hair back and attempted a heroic pose.

"Indiana Jones."

"Yea right! You look like Taniguchi! You speak in the same phony voice as Taniguchi!" Haruhi stuck her tongue out at him and he smirked. "Stop pretending. You know I look like this Taniguchi because I'm hot!"

_Wait a second..._ Haruhi narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "How da hell do you even KNOW what Taniguchi looks like!? Because you ARE him!"

"And you're definitely Haruhi," Taniguchi said, sighing and taking off a fishermen cap that he thought made him look like a hero.

"And YOU definitely ARE hot, Jones man!" Itsuki, still in the puffy dress that Yuki thought was an eyesore glomped the poor man. "UWAH!? YOU KILL JOY CROSSDRESSER!" Taniguchi jumped back, and was sickened even more to realize who the crossdresser was. "You're one of the SOS Dan? Jeez, that happy club is just too weird."

"Get off that person." Behind the "ladies-man" and the crossdresser was Yuki, still using her foreignese accent.

"And YOU! Why are you crossdressing as a man!?" Taniguchi stuck his tongue out at Yuki. "You're ruining that A- beauty ranking of yours... or could it be that you and Itsuki are... NO WAY!! You were with Kyon! No wait... he's with Haruhi--"

"Noisy thing," said the poker-face, as she threw a random business card thingy at Taniguchi. "My BEAUTIFUL FACE!" He screamed and started to run. Itsuki tried to chase after him to no avail. "Wait! Your face is still as beautiful as mine, come back!"

_You're not a woman, you homo get away from me! _Taniguchi thought and said this at the same time, making an ugly face at the dude in a dress.

"I'm not homo..." Itsuki said while sniffling. "I'm just a girl." Yuki shook her head. She was never good with feelings, but for sure she never saw Itsuki this miserable and pathetic... and never so feminine either.

"No you're not. Just get rid of the costume and let's go. At least you're human," she said bluntly while kicking him and trying to help him up.

"And your not?" Koizumi choked back more tears.

"Maybe, maybe not," she said matter-of-factly, her voice trailing off a little.

"I dunno what I am anymore," Itsuki said while getting up. "But who knew you could be even just a bit considerate sometimes... and ..." He looked at Yuki, who was still in the suit, looking slightly confused. "you actually look kinda--"  
"IDIOTS!!" Haruhi killed the touching moment between them. "Listen up, Koizumi-kun! Yuki! None of this nonsense in front of me!"

The two Brigade members started to run for their lives, when they found Asakura Ryoko complaining about a broken cupid arrow.

"YOU! You were causing all this noise in the night!" The two glared at the blue-haired girl who shrunk back like the "angel" she was. Haruhi caught up with them and saw Ryoko there, and her mouth hung open. "COOL! IS THAT A DINOSA--!"

"No!" Both Yuki and Asakura shoved Haruhi away from the box, and Haruhi started to whine. "You idiots! This is out of the ordinary! Now let me go and check it out!"

"You need to eat something, you're starting to hallucinate!" Ryoko lied.

"Satisfy your hunger and you'd think straight," Yuki said, for once starting to genuinely agree, and finally being able to ditch the costume and poker face. After she stuffed the suit into one of the random boxes lying around, the two girls dragged the Brigade Chief off to a nearby _Chick-Fil-A._ Koizumi just stood there, mouth hanging open and all.

"Indiana Jones to the rescue!" Taniguchi said screaming and running towards the garbage dump with a fishing rod. Koizumi shook his head. "You seem to be too late don't you...?" He said as his usual easygoing self. There was too much on his mind after what just happened. _So, I'm not a woman after all..._ He sighed, but started to relax knowing that he had more to worry about.

"Let's shake hands and grab a bite, no homo," Itsuki said, sighing.

"Ah, sure... those three girls are over there too," Taniguchi said, as the two walked while elbowing each other._ Kyon, I know your pain..._

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Mikuru woke up, and stared in horror at the two bodies sleeping on an unusually red piece of carpet... she screamed, waking up Kyon and Tsuruya with a jolt. "You two... are zombies!?" She stepped back.

"We're alive! This hotel is just slightly darker! This piece of carpet was always red," Tsuruya said with much consideration. "This isn't what you think, it's not blood!"

"Lies..." Mikuru said. Kyon stepped up to her and tried to pat her head. "Calm down, you just need something to eat. Let's just go to _Chick-Fil-A_"

"LIES! LIES LIES LIES! YOU TWO ARE LYING!" The two stepped back from Mikuru who was now sweating and breathing hard. "I shocked you two with a taser, and made you guys feel pain to avenge the pain of my own! It was all supposed to be over, when I seemed to have woken up, seeing you two bloody..." As she took three steps towards the two, the two took three steps back. "Yes... I fell asleep haven't I?"

"No! It's a bad dream! You snapped after all Haruhi made you go through today,"

"NOOO! I got even with everyone and everything! There IS no pain left! You two are just zombies and lying to me!" She pulled out a mini taser-gun. "Feel the wrath of an updated Mikuru Beam..." she said. Tsuruya gasped, when she stared straight into Mikuru's eyes. They were blank, lacked light, and the light from Tsuruya's eyes reflected off those blank eyes, and Tsuruya stared in horror as it looked as if she was falling into a hole...

Taniguchi and Itsuki were watching the whole thing, and both were out of disguises. Itsuki pulled out his infamous bagpipes, and after a nod from his new friend, he started to play while Taniguchi sung out of tune as always.

"Mmm what you said..

Mmmm that you only meant well... well of course you did..."

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	7. The Disappointment of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Recap: Indiana Jones appears, and new alliances are forged. Mikuru, on the other hand needs to go to the closest _Chick-Fil-A_ a.s.a.p.

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"You guys..." Asahina Mikuru pointed the taser at her two best friends. "You guys could seriously get hurt!"

"Her sanity's returning, huzzah huzzah!" Tsuruya whispered to Kyon with much joy.

"Okay," Kyon stared at Mikuru. "You're hot."

"EEEEEEH!!" That randomly flattering comment made the poor girl too shocked to do much, and Haruhi, out of nowhere came into the scene, doing her famous drop-kick on Kyon. "Hey! The criminal's not me!" Kyon whimpered, as the sole of Haruhi's shoe dug into his already out-of-place face.

"Ah... S-Suzumiya-san..." Mikuru looked up at the Brigade Chief. "Please, get off Kyon-kun," _Because torturing him slowly is my job ya fool!_ she thought to her self as she said this. "Fine. But if you'll be like that, you're coming to _Chick-Fil-A_ with us. You and Miss Fang-tan over there." She dragged the two best friends with her. Yuki and Ryoko, waiting nearby just stood there. "Um... I guess it's Haruhi's indirect way of getting back at our inconsideration when we dragged her over to that place," Ryoko said, trying to start conversation. Yuki just shrugged.

Meanwhile, Taniguchi and Itsuki fell asleep on each other, Itsuki's bagpipes and Taniguchi's fisherman hat lying next to their owners. Itsuki woke up and screamed. Taniguchi woke up, grabbing a swiss-army knife from one of Ryoko's boxes that he stolen from her. "Where!?" Itsuki shook his head. "No, but it's amazing..." he was close to tears. Taniguchi was shocked. "You're still gay? We fell asleep on each other but,"

"NOO! I had a bad dream, woke up... and... I found that we were sleeping on top of each other..." the light-browned head smiled. "I didn't blush! Or glomp! I was scared! That means... I'M STRAIGHT!" He danced around the room as Taniguchi stared at him in horror. _Stop that! That dance is just too... ridiculously cute!_

"I'm straight... I'm straight... straight straight straight straight..." Taniguchi, who couldn't take it anymore, put his hand out to the dancing person as a signal to stop. "Please stop. Straight people don't dance like that so if you're straight act that way!" The ladies'-man covered his face in an attempt to hide the blush that came on her, no... HIS face. "It's embarrassing..."

"Yea, I know. And, Taniguchi?" Itsuki turned towards the other dude. "Straight people would scream once they find out a dude's sleeping on them. So why... why did you continue to sleep on when you figured we'd end up sleeping on each other?"

Taniguchi stood there, mouth hanging open. _Beam me up, Scotty. Just beamme up now, damnit! _"But why would _you,_ oh Mr. Straight bring up something that vulgar!? Besides, prove to me that you ARE straight!"

Koizumi got up with a serious expression. "I'll do two things. One..." He pushed Taniguchi away. "I don't accept your feelings, so go ahead and cry us a river. Second..." A certain girl came to his mind. "I'll race you to the _Chick-Fil-A_! I know which girls'd be happy to see us!" Itsuki dashed towards the fastfood place with Taniguchi trailing behind. "I'm supposed to be Indiana Jones!"

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Meanwhile, Haruhi, Yuki, Mikuru, Tsuruya, and Ryoko were pigging out for no apparent reason.

"Ah, the desserts here are just so delish!" Mikuru and Tsuruya said in a dreamy unison. Yuki finished her soda in one gulp, burping loudly. When everyone turned her way, she shrugged and pointed at Ryoko. Still pointing, she continued to eat daintily. In an attempt to freshen up the atmosphere, Ryoko clapped her hands together. "Do you guys think anyone likes you?"

"Ah, yeah I'm loved," Haruhi said carelessly. "I'm Brigade Chief."

"You're just to naive, aren't you?" Ryoko said, pouting. "No, no, Suzumiya-san, not like that. Do you thank any boys like you?"

"Who cares? I'll reject them anyway. I have no interest in dating whatsover!" Haruhi stole Yuki's chicken sandwich, biting then swallowing without chewing.

"Hm, Asahina-sempai... it seems that you'd have just so many admirers." Ryoko then randomly poked at Mikuru's chest, making her yelp. "H-hey! I'm pretty sure that boys care about the feeling too you know! Not just looks, but..."

"Yesh, _feeling..._" Ryoko said, poking Mikuru's chest once again.

"Tsuruya-san... nah, too weird for boys, but Kunikuda maybe..." Ryoko said at random to no one in particular. At the mentioning of her name, Tsuruya perked up, clueless.

"And as for the legendary 'cool' Nagato-san... nah. She's too manly."

... just that moment, Yuki did a spit-take. "MANLY!?" Everyone looked at her again.

"...wasn't me." This time, Yuki pointed at Mikuru, making her take the blame.

Ryoko played with her salad, not caring about what just happened. "Okay. If you could get the attention of a dude over here in a normal way, I guess I'll take my insult back."

"Whatever. Asakura Ryoko," Yuki said flatly. "It's not like I could just talk to a random stranger. And there's a really low probability that some random guy's gonna walk in and--!"

"NAGATO-SAN!!" Itsuki ran into the building and took Yuki by the hand, making her whirl around and stand facing him. Ryoko stared with her jaw hanging open. "Oh, Fladoodles, bless you!" Just then, Ryoko and Tsuruya fell to the ground, the former who fainted, and the latter who was rolling around laughing.

After Itsuki cleared his throught, he faced the girl, and tensions in the fast-food place rose. "I... I'm straight!"

"Congratulations, that's a true accomplishment, I'm happy for you... huh?" Yuki put her hand on Itsuki's forehead, which was getting hotter by the second. "A fever...?" Haruhi asked, too naive to realize the inevitable.

Just then, Taniguchi arrived, swinging down a telephone wire with Kyon by his side. He and Kyon were staring in disbelief at the scene that played before them. The broken telephone wire made the lights go all weird and mysterious for some reason... but it made the moment awesome.

"You see... Nagato-san... no. Yuki..." Itsuki took a step closer to Yuki, who in response, was took a step back. "Alot of things happened, so I realized that,"

"You have a big zit on your face?" Kyon said, worried about the situation.

"DON'T INTERRUPT!" Koizumi Itsuki threw a spoon at his brunette-friend's face. "Oh, it's fake." He peeled off a fake zit from his chin, and nearby spectators grimaced. "Well, it might take a while for me to express myself but,"

"Just say it!" An old woman who was curious about what was happening threw a tomato at Koizumi. Tsuruya continued to roll around laughing. "Ahahaha! Tomato-head!" Ignoring her, Itsuki continued with the drama.

"It's... about, y'know... the now... The lights were flickering, and the room was dimmer except in the center, where Yuki and the gang sat. Koizumi and Yuki were shown perfectly in the spotlight, and Ryoko awoke to see the stunning sight. "I've come all the way to interrupt you... in a nice matter, while you ate with your friends at this _Chik-Fil-A_, yes... because I want you to know that I truly like--!"

"What, why are you sweaty? It's right here."

"Huh?" Itsuki said towards Yuki's random statement that killed the moment. Taniguchi threw the telephone wire back out, and the lights were back to normal. "Okay, I'll be random if you're like that." He randomly hugged the shorter girl, and was pushed away a split second later. Kyon and Taniguchi gasped, both saying... "Oh... my... gourd..."

"Oh, my bad," Yuki said as he collapsed into the same old lady's lap. After being hit by a cane, he stood back up again. "No... I understand--"

"No. If I didn't push you, this would've been squashed..." Yuki handed him something in a bag.

"UWAH!? A PRESENT!?" Kyon and Taniguchi had to keep themselves from fainting.

Koizumi opened the bag to find... a deluxe salad and a smoothie.

"This... this is--"

"Correct," Yuki said, sitting back down. "You came all the way here because you truly like food from _Chik-Fil-A._ So I saved you some. Happy Birthday, Hanukah, Xmas, now leave."

"I'm not done, no! I wasn't trying to say--"

"LEAVE!" Everyone shouted at Itsuki, pissed off that the moment's potential had died down. A mob chased him out, and Kyon and Taniguchi caught up with Itsuki with unusually concerned faces.

All the girls except Yuki face-palmed, because Yuki was unusually oblivious to everything, despite being a girl genius.

"Okay, I take back what I said but--" Ryoko shook her head, nudging Haruhi to finish off her sentence. "He really didn't come for a smoothie or a salad... with chicken."

"Then for what? Brownies?" Yuki asked out of boredom. "Many fangirls say that he--"

"Oooh, just forget it and shut up!" Mikuru shouted, throwing Yuki out of _Chik-Fil-A_ as well.

It was just another normal day for the SOS; even when they were in America, because it just wasn't normal.


	8. The Departure of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Recap: Taniguchi's sexuality is unknown, and Itsuki fails at dramatic moments... especially when they involve Yuki.

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The hectic day in America ended with everyone exhausted. After returning from _Chick-Fil-A_, the Brigade went to sleep during late night.

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"Kyon... Mikuru..." Haruhi woke up her two favorite minions during the early morning. After the two rubbed their eyes due to a blinding flashlight , they stared blankly at their leader. "Why us...?" Mikuru yelped. "We didn't do anything!" She was close to tears. That only made Haruhi even more suspicious. "Hm...? I never mentioned that... well, at least I made Mikuru carry the tazor with her!"

"Y-yea..." Mikuru face-palmed. "I'm so sorry!" _Or not..._

Haruhi giggled. "Geez, Mikuru-chan! Can't you take a joke? C'mon! I need to show you two something!" Kyon was dragged by the collar. "Why?" he said in plain english. Mikuru was dragged by the hand, and she bit on the nails of her free hand. "You two will look great! Like models for a fashion magazine! We're putting it in the magazine!"

"Huh!?" Kyon and Mikuru groaned. _Geez, Haruhi! Give me a break! Me and this hot lady over here!_ Kyon thought to himself. Haruhi decided to break the awkward silence. "We need to attract attention to our brigade so, the SOS is going international!"

"Shhhhh!"

"Oh, sorry!" Haruhi whispered back, dragging the two faster.

_Not helping!_

"Well," Mikuru asked in a high-pitched and annoyed tone, "Why us?" Haruhi smiled to herself and replied, "Well, you two are the best and the worst! Kyon being the lame errand boy who is an epic failure," she yanked Kyon's collar harder. "There is also the best and cutest legendary mascot!" She licked the palm of Mikuru's hand.

"KYAA!"

"So... it's only... _natural _that you two would look good together... you two... are interested in each other..." Haruhi said, trailing off. "Mikuru-chan would have not acted so suspicious... and Kyon would have defended her..."

"But I'd look even more suspicious!" Kyon yelped out.

"Well," Haruhi gave him a blank glare. "You're being suspicious by trying to hide your suspiciousness by not acting suspicious! Oh well. You two would make good publicity."

Kyon sighed. _Damnit Taniguchi! Can't you transform into Jones dude and help me out!?_

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It was later in the morning, though still early. Taniguchi and Ryoko were talking at the lobby. Haruhi, Kyon, and Mikuru were no where to be found. The two talked about North High's conditions and Canada, while Yuki and Itsuki stood by uninterested. Three out of five members missing made them worry.

"Cha-Cha!" Running could be heard from afar.

It was Kyon and Mikuru who came down dragged by Haruhi, transformed into different things.

Kyon was wearing the scottish kilt over army pants and had a Bad to the Bone leather Jacket over an undershirt. He hand his hair gelled back like Taniguchi with a semi mohawk, and he wore a gigantic necklace. Mikuru was in leopard short-shorts and a strapless leopard top that exposed her belly-button. She had a long piece of silk draped onto the outfit and had barrettes on each side. Haruhi had sunglasses and a furcoat on that made her look like an incognito celeb.

"It's the SOS Brigade from America."

Yuki and Itsuki stood there staring blankly.

"They..."

"...excluded us..."

Haruhi backed away with a goofy simper on her face. "Y-you two are especially western, naturally..." She signaled Kyon and Mikuru to run, but they only jumped into action.

"I feel transformed and hotter!" Kyon said, flashing out a peace sign.

"I'm embarrassed... but it's a free country!" said Mikuru as she spun around.

"I think I'm bi..." Taniguchi said as he stared at the best and worst of the Brigade in awe.

Itsuki coughed out a furball and randomly screamed, "AND I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH NAGATO YUKI!" Haruhi and Ryoko spun to face the _former gay_ in shock. "Well, like I said, she's manly," said Ryoko.

Yuki stood there, diagraming sentences in the air then faced Itsuki. "K... Koizumi..."

Haruhi sighed. "She sure is slow." Just then, Yuki glared at Haruhi, pushed her into Ryoko, and randomly ran out the hotel dragging Koizumi.

"And I think she likes me!" he said with a funky smile on his face.

"Ara, everyone's here, nyoro! But where's Yuki-ko and Koizumin?" Scanning the place with her super forehead eyesight, she dragged everyone outside and turned a corner to see a couple with their faces close. Yuki turned around to see everyone staring in anticipation. Koizumi pushed her away gently and put on his plastic smile. After an awkward silence, Koizumi broke the ice.

"Um... quick one?" The couple quickly embraced firmly, letting go after a split second.

Ryoko bowed and ran off towards 7-11. "Well, catch you guys in the near future!" she said cheerfully and ran off.

Taniguchi looked at Kyon for an awkward moment before chasing after Ryoko. "Please help me!" He screamed at her.

Kyon sighed. _Why do I have bad feelings about the 'near future'?_

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Everyone was settled in the Tsuruya family private plane. Mikuru talked casually with Tsuruya, and Yuki sat next to Itsuki while reading a shojo manga. Itsuki who was behind Kyon was singing into his ear again, and Haruhi fell asleep on Kyon's shoulder, making the moment more awkward.

"Geez, you noisy idiot," muttered Haruhi trying to grab Itsuki's head. However, she was still half asleep, restrained by a seatbelt, and was too weak. Instead, she grabbed Kyon's chin, and nuzzled into the shoulder pillow. Itsuki sung softer into Kyon's ear.

_"You will find love someday... next to you today..."_ With that, he looked at Yuki who was now asleep, head on the hard window. _Because some things never change._

Tsuruya looked at the sky. "Thanks to Yuki-ko and Haru-nyan, we ended up unintentionally in 'Amurikah' and had a blast-"

"It's AMERICA!" Yelled Mikuru, waking the sleeping ones in a heartbeat.

Everyone face-palmed.

_Yare Yare..._


End file.
